There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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