Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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