somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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