I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
