I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
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I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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