A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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