Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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