I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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