Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
