I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
