my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
