how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
