He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
