I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Randomize
