I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
