Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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