dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
