I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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