I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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