I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
