Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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