you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
