wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
