I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
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This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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