so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
