porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Randomize
