Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
