I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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