yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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