Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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