Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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