i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
