Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize