hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
