you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
