Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
