Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
