please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
