the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
They left me at home... I'm a liability
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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