Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
