I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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