I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I showed him my bush... on skype.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
