Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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