i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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