I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
