i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
