how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
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My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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