Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
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my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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