Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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