Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
