I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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