Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
