so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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