he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
