I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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